Torn Up Inside
by WaldoIsHiddenHere
Summary: Please look for the full story on my other account called PadfootIsMyHomeDawg...only first two chapters are on here! :)
1. Torn Up Inside

**So...I know this isn't like the type of fic that I usually write, but after reading one that was basically the synopsis of the first part of this chapter, my Muse hit me and I decided to basically change the ending of the other one and write up the aftermath of what happened. I would give this person credit, but it was a while ago that I read the fic and I don't even remember what it was called...:/ Anyhoo, in case you didn't read the entire summary, there are warnings that make me have to rate this fic M...there is noncon, dubcon, semi-cutting/self-harm, graphic/blunt descriptions and speaking, language, and explicit M/M sex. So, hopefully you guys are okay with that...please review and let me know what you think of this!**

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**Torn Up Inside by WaldoIsHiddenHere**

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**_"There are moments in life when it is all turned inside out-what is real becomes unreal, what is unreal becomes tangible, and all your levelheaded efforts to keep a tight on to logical control are rendered silly and indulgent."  
― Aleksandar Hemon_**

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**Moony POV**

Moon.

Power.

Scent.

Dog.

Familiar.

Lick.

Happy.

Play.

Paw.

Pain.

Magic.

Unfamiliar.

Intruder.

Human.

Sniff.

_Claim._

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**Regular POV**

Sirius waited for Remus' transformation to be complete, wishing that James or Peter was with him tonight. It was always easier with three of them rather than just one, but Peter had been used as a guinea pig in a prank idea and was now in the Hospital Wing trying to get his skin to stop changing colors. James was in detention for the deed - he'd taken the fall as it was a full moon and Remus needed _someone _with him, and it was Sirius' turn this time.

He cringed as Remus let out a cry of pain that quickly morphed into a howl as his face elongated into that of a wolf. This was the worst part of the transformation - seeing the pain his friend went through every month. He closed his eyes as though to block it out as Moony finally emerged, dropping to four paws and panting in exertion after the painful process. Rumbles filled the werewolf's throat as he sniffed and regained his bearings. Sirius opened his eyes as Moony padded over to him and sniffed his dog form.

This was a ritual of sorts that Sirius was already familiar with, and he didn't move as Moony checked him over. Then, seemingly satisfied, he gave a happy sort of yip and licked his face. Padfoot responded with a lick of his own to Moony.

For the better part of an hour, they yapped and frolicked – _ew, did he really just think that word? _– and played together. Padfoot kept him in the shack, but he couldn't keep the werewolf from leaping about the house, from room to room.

Unfortunately, the next room that Moony went into was filled with splinters of wood that had been a bookshelf six months before. It had been after Sirius and Remus had gotten into an argument that Moony had come out, still angry inside. It had been harder to control the beast then, and the room had never been cleaned up. Taking one glance into the room, Sirius could clearly see the sharp edges of the wood pieces piled up. Moony couldn't see the danger of being stabbed by one of these, but Sirius knew he had to get him out.

Moony gave Padfoot a questioning yip as the dog stood outside the door. He cocked his head to the side, question obvious - _you coming?_

Padfoot gave a bark and trotted backwards a couple of steps, and then gave another bark – _follow me!_

The Alpha's fur bristled slightly. _He _was in charge here – _he _chose where to play! He gave a soft growl in warning, but Padfoot simply yipped and took another step back, away from the doorway.

The werewolf got more annoyed at this, and took a step forward to teach that dog a lesson about who was in charge.

Sirius winced as Moony let out a surprised, painful yowl. Before looking, he knew that he'd hurt himself on the wood. Sure enough, when he looked down he saw a piece of wood, about a foot long, sticking up through his front paw. It looked like it had clipped bone.

Padfoot stepped into the room, being careful of the wood, having the intention of using his teeth to get the wood out. He stopped at a low growl, and looked up to see Moony staring at him angrily and – with pride.

With a flash of inspiration, Sirius understood. The werewolf was the Alpha – he was supposed to look after himself and others, not others look after him. At least in his mind. But he knew that he wouldn't be able to get that out himself. And he shuddered to think how painful it would be when he reverted back to human form, with the wood sticking in his bone as it was. He yipped softly to his friend, taking a single step forward before, with a low growl, Moony swiped his paw, sending Padfoot crashing back several feet to the door. Padfoot whimpered in pain as several of the pieces tore into his skin. He made it louder than he normally would have in pain, hoping that Moony would take it as a sign of submissiveness.

Remus had once explained to his three friends the dynamics of how a werewolf thought. Sirius knew that Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs were a part of Moony's pack. When Remus had told them that he was the Alpha, James and Sirius had laughed and teased him about it, saying that he was definitely the most docile of all of them – even more so than Peter. But after watching him in following full moons, they could see and sense the dominating power that he held. And as he was leader, that made them followers. Sure, they guided the wolf many times without him realizing it, but if Moony put his foot down, they knew to back down before they were _forced _to.

Sirius stayed where he was for several moments, head bowed, before he finally glanced up at Moony, being sure not to look him in the eye as it would be taken as a challenge. The wolf was still glaring at him, but was also panting heavily in exertion, obviously in great pain.

Sirius hesitated, before taking a step forward. Getting no sign to retreat, he padded over to his friend and dropped down beside him, looking at him through mournful eyes. Moony let out a whine and dropped beside him, letting out a howl of pain as the end of the spike broke off, leaving only the wood in his paw.

Sirius' heart sank at the sight. He could never get it out as Padfoot, but if it was left until he shifted back...well, it wouldn't last that long. Sirius wouldn't be surprised if Moony bit his hand clean off to get rid of it. And that would be so much more painful once he shifted again.

Sirius let out a low keen from his throat, dipping his head to lick the werewolf's bleeding wound. Moony let out a harsh bark, but didn't retaliate, sensing the dog's need to comfort him. Sirius felt his heart tear when Moony let out a whimper and rested his head on his paws.

This was a side of the wolf that Sirius had never seen before. Moony got hurt a lot – definitely before his three friends had become Animagi – and probably worse than this at times, so why was Moony looking so pathetic now?

With a jolt, Sirius realized – Moony had torn _himself_ up before. Now, that had been taken from him when he'd been feeling playful – he'd had no choice in the matter. It wasn't so much the pain but the helplessness.

But, he reasoned, the pain must be a part of it, and Remus would be miserable if he changed back and either, a.) a piece of wood was stuck in him or b.) he was missing his entire hand. So Sirius knew he had to take it out. And while it would be quick and simple with fingers, his paws and teeth would provide a problem.

Sirius looked at Moony. He seemed to be lost in his own world, oblivious to another's presence. He could shift back to his human form and take the wood out before Moony even knew. He could shift back and they'd be fine then and Moony would forget about it and keep playing.

Or so he told himself. He knew that Moony was fast, but if he was just quick enough...

Before he could doubt himself, he reverted back to his human form. Moony immediately tensed, but Sirius was already pulling the wood piece out.

He wasn't too surprised to suddenly find a large paw pressing against his chest, nails pressed against his skin through the shirt, but he was still a bit nervous about what Moony might do to him as he didn't recognize his human form. His back was pressed harshly to the floor, wood biting but not piercing his skin. The werewolf loomed over him, panting heavily as he pressed his weight into him.

Knowing that he couldn't exactly do a whole lot in this state, Sirius tried to block his emotions, pushing the fear and nervousness from his mind, instead bringing loyalty and love and friendship to the surface. Hopefully if the wolf sensed a friend, he would be safe enough to change back to Padfoot, even if it was only a brief moment of hesitation on Moony's part.

The pressure lightened on his chest only momentarily, but then it was there again, though this time the nails were retracted. Sirius saw an odd look in Moony's eyes that he'd never seen before and definitely didn't recognize. The eyes glowed for a brief instant before the paw beside his head moved down, down...and dragged claws through his jeans, ripping them to shreds before shoving them aside, his bottom half now completely naked. Sirius felt fear come back to him, not knowing what was going on, before he was flipped quickly over onto his stomach. Sirius was even more confused, and he couldn't help but let out a surprised yell when his arse was lifted in the air. The yell changed to a pain-filled shriek as something large swiftly entered his hole, causing white to flash over his eyes.

Sirius struggled to comprehend what was going on. He was being raped. He was being _raped_, by a fucking _werewolf! _It went against everything Remus had ever told him and everything he'd researched. When in their wolf form, they weren't supposed to feel anything like this – all they cared about was meat, meat, meat.

Against his will, tears spilled from his eyes as he tried to breathe through the stinging, burning agony as his hole clenched and convulsed around the foreign invader, and the overpowering smell of fur and sweat. His cheek was pressed into the wooden ground by one of Moony's large paws, the other paw at the small of his back. He couldn't have moved even if he'd tried.

The wolf on top of him wasn't gentle in the least – it seemed more ritualistic than anything as he pumped and thrust himself in and out of him. Sirius choked on his tears and spit, hoping that it was over soon. Vaguely he hoped Remus didn't remember this later – he was sure that the guilt would tear him up inside. He felt the burn in his arse fading, and felt warmth trickling down his thigh, and knew that the lubricant was his own blood. As Moony came inside him, tears dripped from his chin and he resolved to never tell _anyone _of what happened that night.

* * *

Sirius shuddered with relief as Moony finally pulled his cock from his body with a loud squelch, but he didn't move, even when Moony removed his paws to stand beside him. He stared dully at the wood grains in front of his eyes, just wanting to curl up in his dorm. This never would have happened if James and Peter had been here. He wished, for once in his life, that they hadn't tried the prank, even if only on Peter. He wouldn't be in so much pain right now, and he wouldn't be wondering what he was going to do to hide this from his best friends.

Moony let out a low whine when he didn't move, as though asking him what was wrong. Sirius would've snorted if he'd had the energy. Everything was wrong – just…everything. He vaguely realized that his body was going into shock after the agony. It was a different sort of agony than that of the Cruciatus Curse - something he was already familiar with. There was the physical, but also the emotional and mental feelings of being violated so harshly, and by one he trusted.

Moony prodded Sirius with his nose, as though coaxing him to get up. Sirius was reminded very suddenly of a dog trying to wake up its master. He let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob, and Moony gave him a questioning look before licking a stripe up the side of his face, wiping away some of the tears. If Sirius didn't know any better, he would've thought that the wolf was trying to comfort him.

Following instinct, Sirius reached a hand up and simply patted the wolf's nose, as though saying, _it's okay. It's not your fault._

After that, Moony curled up beside him and went to sleep.

* * *

Sirius crept back to the dorms under James' invisibility cloak. It was only midnight, surprisingly, meaning that James would probably just be going down to be with Remus. Sirius had felt slightly guilty at leaving the wolf alone, but he'd been asleep when he left, and Sirius was sure that he'd stay that way for a while. The sex had exhausted the wolf apparently, though Sirius was sure that _he_ was the more exhausted of the pair. He was already feeling sore, especially in his arse. Every step burned, making him just want to collapse and never get back up again. But he knew, if he just got to the dorms, he would be okay.

He felt empty, almost. It was odd, to know that he'd been raped by his best friend. Not really, though – Remus wasn't in control at the time, so Sirius didn't blame him for it – but still, it was just that thought that was tormenting him. And _why_? Why hadn't he been attacked or killed instead? Mind you, it's not like he _preferred _death, but…still. He couldn't help but wonder.

He had the shreds of the clothing that had been torn off of him clutched in his hands, to make sure that no one would find out what had happened. He had left no clues, even checking to make sure that the blood hadn't dripped onto the floor. It had, but with a quick cleaning charm it had disappeared. And after a several _episkey_'s and a _scourgify _on himself, he was sure that Remus wouldn't figure it out based on his scent later.

Sirius stumbled into the common room – finally – and threw his shredded clothes into the fire so that Remus' senses wouldn't smell it later, especially as some of his blood was on it. He didn't want too many questions being asked, especially as he realized that it would look odd to James, coming upon the sleeping werewolf with Sirius gone.

But, as he staggered into his dorm room, he couldn't bring himself to care about the repercussions that would be sure to come in the morning. All he wanted was to sleep, to pass out and forget about everything going on right then. Still under the invisibility cloak, he collapsed on top of his bed and fell into an exhausted and restless sleep.

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**You guys interested? Even if you totally hate it and think I should just die (;p), please review, and let me know! :)**


	2. Fight With the Marauders

**_"The silence is the worst part of any fight, because it's made up of all the things we wish we could say, if only we had the guts."  
― Pete Wentz_**

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James was furious. He had just come upon Moony's sleeping form, but Sirius was nowhere in sight. How could Sirius have just _left _the werewolf alone in the change? He could've hurt himself again! The whole _reason _they'd become Animagi was to help Remus! Granted, he _wasn't _hurt this time – thankfully – but there was no way to predict that. There was wood all over the floor that he could've run through and ended up stabbing himself.

Just then, Moony raised his head, and, seeing Prongs in the doorway, let out a low growl. He rose to his hind legs and sniffed the air before letting out a bone-chilling howl. It sounded almost angry and lonely at the same time. James was confused by it, but he pushed the thought away, taking a step into the room.

Moony dropped back down to four paws and growled at Prongs in warning. James stopped, still in the room, and Moony let out a bark of anger. James stepped back out of the room, and Moony took another step forward.

In a sudden leap, he flew at Prongs, claws extended. James cantered backwards and out of the way, surprised. Moony wasn't usually like this – not now, anyway. The way he acted now reminded him of the first time Moony had met the Animagi, before he decided to allow them into his pack.

But he didn't have any more time to think about it as he dodged the claws again, and galloped back through the hallway. Just a few hours, and he would be back to Remus, and they could figure out what had happened to make Moony so territorial.

And then he could kick Sirius' ass for leaving the werewolf alone.

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Sirius woke up some time in the early morning hours. Looking at the clock, he saw that it was almost four in the morning. He rubbed his face tiredly, the events of a few hours before coming to him in a rush. He realized the invisibility cloak was still wrapped around himself, and he sat up, untangling it from himself. He was still naked from the waist down, only wearing his school shirt. There was a spot of blood on it, so he grabbed his wand and cast _scourgify _on it. No point in burning the whole thing – it was still in good enough condition for school.

But he didn't want to wear it today. He didn't want any reminders of what had happened. The house elves could wash it, and later he wouldn't know the difference among his other shirts.

He took the shirt off and threw it into the laundry hamper, and then folded the invisibility cloak and put it on top of James' trunk. He went to the connecting bathroom and turned on the shower, immediately stepping underneath the cold water. He flinched, but he didn't move from where he stood under the spray as he waited for it to warm up.

_Hot water burns germs away, _he thought distantly as steam filled the bathroom. _And right now I'm just a big germ._

His skin turned red under the heated water, and he grabbed the bar of soap, repeatedly washing every inch of his body. Get it off, get it all off, all the germs… He scrubbed and scrubbed, not realizing he was sobbing until it became hard to breathe. Still he continued scouring himself – his arms, his face, his torso, his back, his legs, his feet, his ears, even inside of him. He had to get clean, but he just felt so dirty still, even when his skin was rubbed raw and some places began to bleed.

Finally he stopped, though he didn't feel any cleaner than before. He shut the water off and stepped out of the shower, dully grabbing a towel and drying himself off. He went back to the dorm and saw that he'd been in the shower for an entire hour and a half, based on the clock. He pulled on his school uniform without realizing he was doing so, and then walked down to the common room, with the intention of grabbing some food from the kitchens.

But when he got there, he saw the last person he'd expected to see. Lily Evans. She was seated on one of the chairs by the fire, writing an essay. She brought to mind thoughts of James and consequently Peter and…Remus. He didn't want to think about them right then, so he ignored her and continued on his way to the door.

"Black?"

The voice came behind him, from Lily. He tried to ignore it and continue on his way, but she persisted.

"Black – ? Sirius!"

There were quick steps behind him, and then a hand grabbed his arm, trying to turn him around. He didn't resist, looking at her through dull eyes. She was surprised at the look on his face. As long as she had ever known him, he had always been so full of life, a grin constantly occupying his face. If she didn't know any better she would've thought that this was someone else entirely.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" she asked him urgently, deciding that now was not the time to distance herself from him by using his last name. Even when he got into arguments with his friends, he would never be this dreary. He would've put on a façade, at the very least. But now every emotion he was feeling was out in the open. Unfortunately, he felt nothing at the moment. He was just empty, giving her no clues as to what happened.

"Nothin', Evans," Sirius answered dully. He tried to tug his arm away, but she held fast. "I don't have time for this right now."

"Why are you up so early?" She asked him, ignoring his last comment. "I've never seen you get up when it's still dark."

"You don't see a lot of things, Evans," he said hollowly. "You're just so lucky that way. What do you do to be so lucky all the time? Seriously, no normal person is as lucky as you are. I wouldn' be surprised if you had a secret stash of Liquid Luck somewhere…"

"Sirius!" Lily interrupted, realizing he was babbling. "What happened to you?" she would've said more, but Sirius answered, cutting her off.

"Something…" he said slowly, eyes travelling to the ceiling. "…awful."

"Sirius…" Lily practically whispered, truly getting worried now. He closed his eyes and bowed his head.

"Do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?" she asked him, already beginning to lead him to the door.

"No," he said, a trace of sadness in his voice. "Already healed m'self. S'not that kind of hurt."

Lily stopped and turned back to him, eyebrows drawn. "Did…did someone break your heart?" The thought was odd. Firstly, the fact that it would hit Sirius so hard that he looked only half there, and secondly, that Sirius actually _did _care. He went through his girls like socks. What was _one _in that long list to him, honestly?

But Sirius shook his head. "Not exactly," he whispered, and Lily saw the first sign of emotion at the tear that dripped off of his nose as he bowed his head.

Without another word, Lily took the normally rambunctious boy by the hand and led him over to the couch, sitting them both down across from each other. Still gripping his hands, she said firmly yet still tenderly, "Tell me everything that happened, Sirius."

Sirius choked and closed his eyes. "You can't tell anyone," he told her suddenly, opening his eyes to look at her through half-glazed eyes. He didn't seem to be much aware of what he was even saying. "Promise me, Lily – not even James or Remus or Peter."

By the use of her first name, Lily knew that this was something important. It was more that than anything else that convinced her to agree. She nodded.

"I promise," she said sincerely. "Tell me."

Sirius closed his eyes again and bowed his head, as though to avoid her gaze. His voice was choked, hardly more than a whisper, but she just managed to catch the words, "I…someone used me."

At first Lily didn't understand. Someone "used" him? That didn't seem to be such a big deal. Yes, it would hurt his feelings, but looking so torn up about it…then she studied him, saw the way he seemed to almost curl in on himself, as though protecting himself. His skin looked like it had been scrubbed raw, like he couldn't get rid of some sort of grime or potion on his skin.

Then she remembered how one of her dorm mates had been raped in her third year, and how she got through that. She remembered the way her friend was always washing herself, making her skin raw and red. When she had finally told Lily what had happened, she had explained that she felt so dirty all the time, unable to get rid of the feeling even for how much she washed. The girl had healed emotionally now, but she remembered the long process of it all, how she had blamed herself for so long. She had never said she had been raped – she had said she had been _used_.

Lily sucked in a breath as it seemed the floor fell out from beneath her. Black…_Sirius _was raped. Her brain could hardly comprehend the news. It didn't seem to fit with the confident, strong, cocky bastard she'd always seen in the boy. For the briefest of moments, she wondered if this was a prank of some sort, but looking at him – his face, his body language – it was clear that this was anything but a joke.

"I mean, sort of." Sirius continued mumbling, breaking in to Lily's thoughts. "He didn't even know what he was doing, so it was really my fault, goin' to him like that…"

At these words, Lily became angry. Who in _hell _could do this to him? Who had the _audacity _to tear down this boy's confidence, his very character? Who was so heartless as to rip out this boy's spirit and stomp it into a bruised, beaten, and battered object?

"Sirius Black, you listen to me," Lily said firmly, putting her hands on his shoulders. "This is _not _your fault, do you hear me? _It's_ _not your fault._" He had fallen quiet, listening but not processing and not looking up at her. She continued, hoping that something she said would get through to him. "You didn't ask for this – you couldn't have done anything. But you'll be okay, alright? Whoever did this to you is going to pay if I have to rip his balls off myself."

Sirius began to shake his head, but Lily didn't let him speak. "Sirius, tell me – who did this?"

Sirius didn't even get the chance to say anything as a couple of fourth-years came down from their dorms. Lily saw the change come over his face immediately, a mask slipping into place. Without a word, he rose and started towards the door.

"Wait," Lily said, rising after him. "Sirius!"

But Sirius had already slipped out the door.

* * *

Remus awoke in the Hospital Wing, feeling very odd. He couldn't quite pinpoint what was different from every other transformation, but he felt some sort of strange tugging on his body. It wasn't like the moon's pull, however. He also felt sorer than the other times he woke up, but looking at himself, he couldn't see any scratches. He must've just had a more exhausting time with Padfoot than usual.

He looked up as James suddenly appeared next to his bed, looking put out. Peter stood next to James, looking a bit worried and nervous. Remus began to feel nervous himself – what had he done that would make the normally laid-back boy irritated?

"Hey, how're you doing?" James asked him. Remus shrugged.

"Okay, I suppose. Not much different than most full moons. What's wrong?"

James blew out a breath. "_Sirius_ is what's wrong," he fumed, having no idea that Remus' heart flip-flopped at Sirius' name for no apparent reason. "I haven't seen him since dinner yesterday in the Great Hall, 'cause he wasn't there when I went to the Shrieking Shack."

"He wasn't?" Remus said, more confused than angry. "Why wasn't he there? Did something happen to him?"

"A girl, no doubt," James snorted. Peter nodded in agreement, though he didn't say anything.

"Then why am I not…you know…bloody and bruised?" Remus asked confusedly.

An odd look came over James' face as he temporarily forgot about being mad at Sirius. "I dunno," he said bewilderedly. "I showed up and you were just…sleeping. You looked totally fine, but then you woke up and started acting all territorial like the first time we showed up as Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail."

"Did I hurt you?" Remus asked, his heart sinking with dread.

James waved a hand dismissively. "Nah, I'm fine. Madame Pomfrey patched me up. She was under the impression that I sleepwalked and fell down the stairs. That was made much more believable because she actually saw me fall, and I just came up with the sleepwalking thing on the spot. Not my best excuse, but you know."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Any idea what upset you before I showed up?"

Remus slowly shook his head. "No. All I remember is…is a _need_."

"A need for what?" This time it was Peter that asked.

Remus shook his head again, mystified. "I don't know." A look of worry came over his face. "You don't suppose Sirius is hurt, do you? I mean, what if the reason he wasn't there was because I hurt him or chased him away? He could be unconscious in the Forbidden Forest, for all we know."

"It does seem odd that he would just up and leave you alone," James said slowly, the gears in his brain working. Then he paled. "Remus…Sirius has the map. How are we going to find him? What if he really _is _hurt?"

"Let's not jump to conclusions," Remus told him quickly, trying to project calmness into his voice. "If we don't see him for classes, we'll go searching for him."

James and Peter looked surprised. "But Remus, you need to stay in bed." Peter protested. "It's only just after…"

"Fuck it," Remus said, further shocking the two. Remus hardly ever swore – only when it was serious. He shoved the blanket off his lap. "Our best friend could be hurt somewhere – I'm bloody well _not_ staying in bed now."

* * *

Sirius went about his morning in a sort of dull daze. He berated himself constantly for confessing to Evans what had happened – _Lily Evans_, of all people. He avoided her so that she wouldn't push him to tell her who did it, though in reality he avoided everyone. He wasn't sure he could face any of the other three Marauders right then, so he didn't go to the Hospital Wing to visit Remus or go to the Great Hall for breakfast.

After grabbing a muffin from the kitchens – he didn't think his stomach could handle anything else – he made his way to the Room of Requirement to sit for a few hours. The room he asked for was simple – just some concrete walls with no windows, and an armchair in the corner. All he wanted was some alone time, where no one could bother him. He locked the door so that no curious students would come in and find him.

He didn't know how long he sat in there, but finally he decided that he had to face his friends sooner or later, or they would think – no, they would _know _that something was wrong. He could slip on a mask – he'd done it before.

When he reached the ground floor, he noticed students making their way to the Great Hall. Based on the lights coming through the windows, it was only lunch time, which meant that Sirius had only been in the Room of Requirements for seven hours. Strange, it had felt like days to him.

With a sigh, he walked through the doors, immediately spotting not the two friends he'd expected – it was right after the full moon, after all – but all three of them, huddled together and looking serious. They hadn't spotted him. Sirius felt a pang of guilt as he realized they were probably worried about where he'd been the night before and all morning, but it was quickly gone, leaving him empty.

His eyes wandered and caught sight of Lily's bright green stare. She gave him a small smile of comfort, and he quickly looked away. He could _not _deal with her right now. Choosing the lesser of two evils, he went to his friends, jovial mask slipping into place with little effort.

The three of them looked up as he sat beside Peter, as far away from Remus as he could be without looking suspicious. He knew it wasn't Remus' fault – he _knew _it – but still he couldn't help but hate him, just a little bit. Or maybe a lot, if he was being honest with himself.

"Hey, mates!" Sirius said, voice coming out a lot more cheerily than he felt. He was almost surprised with how easily his front came up. Of course, he'd had lots of practice after being the white sheep of the Black family, but he'd never been…_used _before. Not like that.

"I had possibly the"—_worst_—"best night of my life last night." Sirius continued lying through his teeth. "And I've made a life-changing decision, too. I definitely like brunettes better than I like blondes." _Because Remus is closer to blond than brunette, and who could love their rapist? _"I mean, blondes are easy"—_so hard to deal with_—"but brunettes seem to be a bit curvier, if you know what I mean." _Curves are definitely better than muscles. _"And blondes may be _all over _you"—_first true thing I've said_—"but at least brunettes know what they're doing." _He definitely didn't know what he was doing. So why am I feeling so hurt? _

"Sirius," James' face had grown steadily angrier throughout Sirius' dialogue. _Good, _Sirius thought. _I'm not the only one angry. _

"Where the _hell_ were you last night?" James hissed in a whisper so as not to be overheard by anyone outside their group. "We agreed that _you_ would be with Moony last night while _I _served detention and _Peter_ was in the Hospital Wing. And now you mean to tell me that you left him _alone _to be with some _girl_?!"

Sirius shrugged carelessly, though his heart was pounding painfully in his chest. "She was hot."

James' fists clenched. "I could deck you right now," he hissed angrily. "Remus is our _friend _– you're lucky he didn't hurt himself!"

_No, only me. _Sirius thought sourly.

"Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry in the least. "I didn't think it would take so long, but she was just a handful of fun in the – "

_Whack! _

Sirius was startled by the backhand that came from _Peter_,of all people. He had been expecting a punch from James or possibly Remus, but it coming from Peter shocked him into silence. The blow wasn't particularly hard, but it was more out of surprise than anything else that Sirius' head reared back. People close by stopped their conversation to listen in stunned surprise at a fight between the normally close-knit Marauders.

"You're despicable," Peter whispered furiously, surprising even Remus and James. "We _trusted_ you to watch over _our _friend, and you betrayed us _and _Remus for a _whore_."

Without another word, Peter stood up and left the Great Hall, James following right after. Remus remained seated for a moment, staring at Sirius with a sad expression. Sirius looked away, hoping that Remus didn't pick up on Sirius' nervousness and know that he was lying.

Finally, Remus stood and patted Sirius once on the shoulder before leaving the Great Hall behind his friends.

* * *

Remus lied in his bed that night, staring at the ceiling as several thoughts drifted through his mind. He thought of all four of them – the Marauders – and felt a sting of regret. He wasn't quite sure what he was regretting, but something felt…off. He rolled over in bed, and as he did, the wind from the open window blew in, past James' bed and to his own.

He caught a whiff of something slightly familiar, though strange at the same time. He sat up, sniffing more as the breeze continued to drift in. He located the smell to be coming from James' trunk, and with a soft laugh, he lied back down. The new smell was probably another thing for pranks, and Remus' werewolf senses had easily picked it up. James just couldn't help himself.

But even as he tried to convince this to himself, he still couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something. Something important.

* * *

**So...yeah! Totally angsty and I love it! It will get better though...do you guys like it? Review and let me know! :)**


	3. AN - NEW ACCOUNT!

**So, no. This is not another chapter. Actually, I'm pretty sure my email was having issues with the FF website and wasn't sending me any notifications from here, because when I went to the actual site, the stuff was up there...so I made a new FF account that I will put this fic up on and put the following chapters on that. Everything will be exactly the same, so it shouldn't be too hard to find...oh, and the username for my new account is PadfootIsMyHomeDawg, if you prefer to look that way...(you like the name? I do. ;p) So go to that one, and I'll register this one as completed, because in a way, I am done with it...**

**thanks,**

**WaldoIsHiddenHere**


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